


Walk Away

by iantosgal



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 22:16:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/715702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iantosgal/pseuds/iantosgal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Phil comes out of the hospital he is heartbroken and angry to find that all of Clint’s stuff has gone from the apartment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Walk Away

Since this thing started between them, whatever this thing between them was, Phil has started to notice more and more of Clint’s things appearing in his apartment. 

It started with a t-shirt. It was dirty with mud and a little blood and Phil remembers tearing it off Clint, his fingers tracing over Clint’s chest and the stitches there, making sure he was safe and relatively whole. The t-shirt got left behind and rather than throw it away, Phil washed it and sewed up the hole before putting it in his closet. 

The next thing to appear was a tattered, paperback copy of To Kill A Mockingbird. It had obviously been read dozens, if not hundreds of times and there was a written birthday wish in the front cover that read “To Clint, Happy Birthday Little Hawk, S xx”. Phil had trailed his finger of the ornate swirl of the S and had wondered at who had given Clint this present, which he obviously treasured, but he had never gotten up the courage to ask. There was so much hurt in Clint’s past and talking about it brought a haunted look into his eyes. Phil hated putting that look there. But he couldn’t help but smile and be more than a little touched that something Clint held so dear had been left in his care. 

Next there was a Family Guy boxset, boxers, socks, t-shirts and a pair of Clint tightest, figure hugging, black jeans that Phil remembers tearing off him. There was Clint’s brand of coffee in the cupboard and his beer in the fridge. 

Finally Phil cleared one of his drawers out and put Clint’s stuff all together in there. Clint’s face when he found out he had his own drawer was priceless. 

But then Loki happened. Clint was taken and Phil tried to keep going without letting it affect his work. He popped back to his apartment out of necessity and found himself holding the copy of To Kill A Mockingbird in his hands, his fingers running across the tattered pages. He brushed a hand roughly across his eyes, denying the moisture there and pocketed the book before heading back to base. 

He knew Clint was being controlled, knew it wasn’t really him, but watching the footage it was hard to tell the difference between his Clint and Loki’s Clint. 

And then Loki pushed a sword through his chest and through the pain and the knowledge that he was about to die, he thought of Clint, his Clint, and wished he was here, wished he could see him one more time. As his world went black he thought he heard Clint’s voice whispering his name. 

***

He is more surprised than anyone when he wakes up. He’s in agony and he’s confused but his first thought is of Clint.

“Clint?” he whispered, his voice hoarse. 

Nobody answered him and before he could ask again, he felt the sedatives kicking in and he drifted back to sleep. 

The next time he opened his eyes his breath caught in his throat. Clint was sitting beside the bed, his hands clenched together under his chin as he stared off into space. 

“Clint,” he murmured. 

Clint started and then smiled a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. He gripped Phil’s hand in his, bringing it to his lips and pressing a kiss to his knuckles. 

“They told us you were dead. They let me think you were dead for weeks. They only told me the truth once you’d woken up. Phil...”

Phil gripped his hand tightly in return. 

“I wasn’t sure if you were alive either Clint. No one would tell me anything. Are you ok?”

Clint huffed a humourless laugh. 

“I’m fine,” he said. 

Phil knew he was lying. 

***

To start with Clint was there every time Phil woke up. Then he at least visited every day.

But over time, Clint seemed to become more distant. Phil would go days without seeing him at all and when he finally showed up he was quiet and withdrawn. 

When he was discharged, Phil had hoped that Clint would be there to take him home but instead it was Maria that gave him a lift and made sure he was ok.

Once she’d gone he looked around his apartment. It seemed so empty but he couldn’t tell why. Clint’s book was missing from the side but he’d taken that to the base with him and he felt a twang of guilt as he realised he wasn’t actually sure what had happened to it. 

He pushed the uneasy feeling he had to the back of his mind and went to make himself a drink. 

Clint’s beer was gone from the fridge, his favourite mug had disappeared from the cupboard. He slammed the cupboard door and walked as quickly as he could to the bedroom. He told himself he was being stupid but when he yanked open Clint’s drawer it was empty and the same could be said for the space he had cleared for him in his wardrobe. 

He grabbed his phone and flicked through his contacts. He paused over Clint’s name, his finger hovering over the call button, but he couldn’t bring himself to press it. 

It hurt. It was like a kick in his stomach. He thought what they had was going somewhere but he had been wrong. He should have known that it was only sex for the archer. Clint Barton could have anyone he wanted, why the fuck would he settle for Phil? 

What hurt the most was that Clint hadn’t even bothered to tell him it was over. He had sat by his hospital bed, giving Phil hope that there was something there and then walked away without a word. 

They had to work together. The least he could have done was tell Phil the fucking truth. 

The hurt was replaced with white hot anger and before he knew what he was doing he had grabbed his keys and stormed from the flat. 

***

The drive to Stark Tower seemed to take forever. The closer he got the angrier he became. But his head was starting to win out and he knew this was a bad idea. 

He told himself he was going to see the others, who he had not managed to see much of during his recovery, and that he would ask to have a private word with Clint and sort this out. 

That’s what he told himself all the way up in the lift. But as soon as the door opened he heard the sound of Clint’s laugh. Phil loved that laugh. It was his real laugh, his relaxed laugh, not the fake one he often used on missions, not the forced one he used with dignitaries and not the smug one he used with his own jokes. 

Phil hated the way his stomach twisted. He had been through hell and Clint’s laugh was like a dagger, a reminder that he had been so wrong about them. Clint didn’t care. Clint was just fine without him. 

He marched into the room, ignoring the greetings from the other Avengers, ignoring the way the smile slipped from Clint’s face, ignoring the look Natasha shot him. He marched straight over to Clint and punched him hard in the face. 

The room erupted with shouts and Phil found himself being pulled away by Steve while Clint lifted a hand to his face, his eyes downcast. 

“You FUCK!” Phil shouted. “You fucking FUCK!”

“Phil!” Natasha said, angrily. 

“It’s ok,” Clint said softly. 

“No it’s not!” Phil said hotly. “When were you going to tell me? Huh? How could you let me find out that way? Is this your way of letting me down gently? Just to take all your stuff out of the apartment and hope I got the message?”

Dimly, Phil was aware of the others sharing looks of confusion and shock. It seemed Clint had never gotten round to telling anyone about them, which just showed how little he had cared for Phil. 

“I know it was nothing but an easy fuck for you, but I actually gave a shit about you,” Phil spat. 

Clint looked as though Phil had punched him again. 

“What did you say?”

Phil tried to pull away from Steve, tried to get right up in Clint’s face, but Steve held him tightly. 

“You heard.”

“How the fuck can you say that?” Clint whispered dangerously, rising to his feet. 

“Clint,” Tony said warningly. 

“I get that I mean nothing to you, but have a fucking heart, Clint. You could have at least told me.” Clint shook his head. “I was so scared when Loki took you,” Phil continued. “Do you have any idea how hard it was seeing what he was doing to you? And there was nothing...nothing I could do. And when I wake up I find that I needn’t have bothered crying over you because I meant nothing to you.”

“You have no idea! No fucking idea!” Clint shouted. “You think I don’t care? I fucking love you!” Phil blinked. “You think you had it hard? Do you know how hard it was for me to walk away?”

“Then why did you?” Phil shot back. 

“Because you are scared of me!”

There room was filled with a throbbing silence. 

“What are you talking about?” Phil said eventually. 

“You don’t even know, but I see it. There’s fear in your eyes every time you look at me. You have nightmares were you beg...” Clint voice broke and he looked away, “where you beg me not to hurt you.” 

Phil felt his heart rate quicken. He didn’t remember the dreams but he’d started awake a number of times with a sickening feeling in his stomach to find Clint watching him with a pained look. 

“Clint...”

“Don’t tell me I don’t care. I love you enough to let you go. I didn’t want you to have to live with someone you were scared of, so I walked away. You have no idea...no idea, Phil.”

There were tears in Clint’s eyes. Steve wasn’t holding him anymore, so Phil reached out and took a step towards Clint. 

But before he could pull him close, tell him how sorry he was, Clint had turned, wiping a hand across his face and fleeing from the room leaving Phil stood with his hand outstretched, surrounded by a silent crowd of Avengers and an aching heart. 

***

He gives it exactly three hours. 

He’d known Clint for a long time and he knows his coping strategy off by heart. He’ll shut himself away, normally in the range or on the roof with the door locked tight, and for an hour you can’t get anything from him. By the second hour Phil would normally have gained access to Clint’s safety area and he would sit with him and wait for Clint to talk. By the end of the third hour, he might actually get a word out of him. 

Phil got the feeling that he wasn’t going to be welcome to just sit with him so he waited. 

The tower didn’t have a range yet and there wasn’t really much of a roof. 

But Phil knew Clint well.

He took the elevator to the very top floor and made his way to the room with the widest view. It was a meeting room that Tony has set up to have the best view over the city and he had told Phil you could see for miles. Clint liked to be up high and he liked open spaces the best. 

Phil opened the door quietly and there, perched on the back of a chair near the window, sat Clint. 

He didn’t turn as the door closed, but Phil saw his shoulders stiffen slightly. Clint knew he was there. 

Phil made his way to the window and positioned himself so that he was in Clint’s peripheral vision without being in his personal space. They stayed that way in silence for what seemed like forever, and Phil was starting to think he had misjudged the situation. Maybe he should have chased after Clint, begged his forgiveness and tried to make things right. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, but in the stillness of the room, his voice was deafening. 

Clint sighed and hung his head. 

“I shouldn’t have hit you. I should have realised something was wrong. But...Clint you should have talked to me. You shouldn’t have just left.”

“Phil...”

Phil turned to face Clint full on and took in the puffy eyes, tear stained cheeks and the clenched fingers. 

“I didn’t know how you really felt. I thought...I thought you’d gotten bored of me.”

Clint slid off the back of the chair and onto his feet. He turned to face the window, trying to hide himself from Phil. But Phil could see his reflection in the glass and he wanted nothing more than to close his eyes so he wouldn’t have to ever see that look on Clint’s face again. 

“You don’t get it, do you?”

“Clint, I...I do. I understand you think I’m afraid of you...”

Clint spun round to face him. 

“I don’t ‘think’ a Goddamn thing. I know fear when I see it. I’ve had enough people look at me that way to recognise it.”

“I am not scared of you,” Phil said calmly. 

“Aren’t you?”

Phil sighed and shook his head. 

“Come on, Phil. Don’t just say no, really think about it. Look at me and really think about how you feel.”

“I know how I feel.”

“No. Just take a minute and look me in the eye and tell me what you feel.”

Phil sighed but he did as Clint asked. He looked into his eyes and for a moment he felt nothing but exasperation. But then the light caught Clint’s eyes in just a way that for a second they seemed unnaturally blue. And he remembered how he felt when he was looking at the footage of what Clint had done. Remembered not being able to tell his Clint and Loki’s Clint apart anymore. Remembered the terrible things Clint had done...no, not Clint. The terrible things Loki had made Clint do. 

But in his mind it was still Clint and in that heartbreaking moment, he realised Clint was right. 

“I’m afraid of you,” he whispered and his heart sank as Clint nodded and looked away, a tear spilling down his cheek. “But it’s irrational. I know it’s not you I’m afraid off, not really. But...”

“You can know that and still be afraid, Phil.”

“I can fix this.”

“I don’t know if it’s something that can be fixed.”

“I love you,” Phil whispered. 

Clint looked back at him and the look in his eyes showed that inside his heart was breaking. 

“I love you too. But we can’t be together. We can’t, it’s not fair on you.”

“I’ll talk to someone. I’ll get help,” Phil said and he knew he was begging. He took a step towards Clint and was thankful when he didn’t pull away. 

“Phil...God, I fucking hate this. I...I can’t...I can’t even begin to forgive myself for what I did, but to know I’ve lost you hurts the most.”

“It wasn’t you. It was Loki. We both know that. And you haven’t lost me. I promise.”

Phil pulled Clint to him and felt relief, and a small twinge of fear that he pushed down, as Clint wrapped his arms around him in return. 

“I’m gonna fight my way back to you,” he whispered into Clint’s hair. 

“I’ll be waiting,” Clint replied.


End file.
